Friday, January 04, 2008

Japan.

The end of 2007 marks my graduation from three and a half years in SMU. Graduation holidays in Tokyo and Kyoto for winter. In love with the red of the leaves, winter chills, tradition and temples, kimonos and random spotting of Geisha, perpetual dozing off on Japanese subways, and Burberry, Burberry and Burberry.








































Monday, September 24, 2007

That River.

A year ago from the beginning of everything and my perpetum. My whispers to that shooting star caught in the wind of the night. And so I shall remember, every single murmur and smile that night. For that night, I was truly blithe.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Exactly One Year Ago.

Exactly one year ago, I left for Germany.

And met somebody that changed my life so much.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Moments. From Summer.

Times so fleetingly transient. Yet the happiest that has been offered to me since the start of the year. If days to come are to be about tears and bitterness again, at least there were smiles and laughters in between.

Summer was not entirely about tears after all.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Tired.

Every morning these days, I wake up feeling angry at this world. For everything that I have and have not. Why is it that despite everything and anything, I still feel mad at whatever it is in my life right now?

I want to not feel this way anymore.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

These Days.

Feeling kind of mindfarked of late. These days, all it takes is a word, a phrase or a song and I start to cry. All over again. Incoherently vulnerable. I hate the urge to cry all the time. This feeling is all too familiar and I hate that here I am, once again. I look forward to the next time when nothing in my life matters anymore. And now it will only be sweet escapes every now and then to keep myself going.
************
Sugar high at Shangri-la and then to China's. I love the multi-level connections between us. It is not everyday that you meet well-travelled Singaporeans. And I just cannot wait for the next time.









Thursday, June 14, 2007

Lousy.

The fatigue has set in already. Barely past my halfway mark and I am ready to call it quits. I hate being screamed at by traders. I hate having to deal with unruly clients. I hate being treated like the lowest life form on earth. I hate having to work London hours. I hate having to work 12 hours a day. And worse of all, I hate myself for feeling depressed once again.
So out of the blue that I start to feel this way again. For a moment, I thought the time has come when I see more rainbows than thunderclouds these days. Now it is back to those days again.
I am so overworked and tired. I wanna stop crying myself to sleep about everything and anything in my life right now.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Royal Copenhagen!

Weekends are ever so precious. Only time for the most beautiful things. High tea for dinner at Royal Copenhagen. Brings back those good old memories in Denmark. The closest I will ever get to the Queen are those scones and china. Pretty stuff.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

These Days.

I love what I am doing at work right now. My boss is nice and so are my colleagues. Bumbling around the office learning new stuff on the job daily and being treated seriously takes my mind off issues.

But coming home at 3am in the morning can be downright depressing. It will be sleep for the very rare few hours before heading off to work again. 0115 hours. Oh no. I have been sitting here for the past four hours and I am still not done. 0140 hours. Hurry, hurry. My head hurts terribly. I just wanna go home and tuck myself under my fleece now. 0200 hours. Why am I pouting at the LCD screen every other day? 0230 hours. Done for the day. Its home now. I think I have clocked in a new record.

Yet despite everything, I still love my work. Sleep has become so much easier these days. And issues seem so distant nowadays. I like it the way it is.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Jaded.

I hate having to work London hours. The soaring towers and illuminated skyscrapers against the city backdrop only serves to make me feel even more alone than ever. And all of a sudden, I am afraid. Very afraid that everybody in my life will start to forget about me. One by one.

My body is so going to take a toll on me someday. Late nights and my vice. Yes, my body is suffering from my one and only vice. Yet it is times like this when I just want to reach out for that glass of wine to knock myself out.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Stars. Me. And You.

I have grown so attached to the stars. Everytime I walk along the streets at night or enjoy the dazzling beauty from the left side of the seat, I tell myself that they belong to me.

And when I look up at the skies, there is only one person at that moment whom I miss so very much.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Nobody.

And now, I realise that nobody in this farking world cares about me or loves me at all. Nobody.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Come, Hong Kong!!

My flight is at the dawn of tomorrow morning yet here I am dilly-daddlying, half-packed as usual. Heading down to the bustling city that never sleeps. So looking forward to the coming days of sights, sounds and shopping. And most of it all, I am looking forward to seeing again two people after a long five months. Come, Hong Kong and I shall see you again.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

What I Miss.

I miss those times when we just lie there and do nothing but nothing. I miss those times when I lay beside you and start dreaming about our day. I miss those times when you tell me that you love my eyes for it is without makeup and it all.

I miss those days when despite anything and everything, I still wanna be by your side.

For everything that goes on from there, I understand. I really do.

What I miss so very much.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Of Death. And Dying.

I feel so out of the world today. Woke up with this feeling that I am dying. My heart was racing so fast yet my energy was lack-lustre. The thing that bothered me was how I was so not afraid of death.

The same few thoughts kept racing through my mind. How long would it take for my parents to discover that I am dead? Would my friends know that I am dead? What would people say at my wake? Will my sisters distribute my belongings equally among themselves? What would happen to my bed, pillow, stuffed bears and puppy? Would my parents bury them along with me or will they keep them to remember me? Will anybody still remember me if I ever die?

Silly as it sounds. I woke up and wrote a very long page in my diary about finality. If I ever die, my final thoughts would still be there. Ever since I was a kid, I have always had the feeling that I am going to die young.

The thought of this might seem ludicrious but I think I am ever more prepared for my curtains down. Really.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Alcohol High!

Even those myriad of lights and my intoxicated slumber could not hide those feelings bubbling in me for the many past few months. It was you and always will be you.
It was alcohol high last night. A tower of Scottish beer and 1 1/2 bottle of whiskey later rendered us happy folks once again. Dinner at Japanese restaurant, Waraku with Elise, Vic, GT and Tina before heading down for drinks. We bar-hopped for awhile before settling on the Pump Room and MoS. At the Pump Room, we had a bewildering tower of beer which amounted to 3.5 litres.
With a considerably lighter head, we walked over to MoS where the couple, Vic and Elise opened 1 1/2 bottle of whiskey. We went to the White Room and they decided to cancel our reserved sofa-bed because we were not whites. Haha. Just kidding. Tina left early and we needed at least one extra person to get our sofa-bed so GT picked up two Irishs*. Heh. GT loves Clarke Quay for all the white men that he gets to lust gawk at.
*Urphs. Apparently both of them are Irish. One of them worked in East Timor and is not from there. Haha.



Till the next time, girlfriends.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Summer. And the Beginning.

Last of the exams. Summer break is here.

I thought I would feel happy again. But you know, all these times that you have to yourself kind of makes you feel depressed at the same time. For all that I have been through the past weeks, I wish you knew. But things are always better left unsaid. It always work this way. The harder you try, the more out of reach it becomes.

Read through some of my past blog entries. Where has that vivacious and cheerful girl gone? You tell me. If growing up takes away all my smiles and laughter, I don't wanna grow up that fast afterall.

Summer. Make me happy again.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Slumber.

Amazing how little sleep I have been getting by of late. 0530hours. Get some sleep, Huiling. 0630hours. Come on, sleep now. Leave me alone, world. 0740hours. Time to rise. You weren't getting any sleep anyway. Get to school and hand in that term paper. Now.
These days, few things ever seems to make me happy. Those sporadic moments of happiness never seem to be able to last a little longer. I wish they do, you know. Because I cannot remember the last time I felt that way. I really wish you would come back to me, happiness.
And tonight, it shall be those wine and me. Again.
At least sleep would be here soon.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Those Vibes.

*Colorplay featuring some of my favorite things in the world: Le Pliage Longchamp "Shopping", Becks the German beer and Anders the laziest bear ever.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Phantom of the Opera.

27th September 2006. Les Misérables. Queen's Theatre. London.

25th March 2007. Phantom of the Opera. Esplanade. Singapore.

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. Recall those days, look back on all those times, think of all those things that we'll never do - there will never be a day when I won't think of you.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Journey.

*Kismet.
Exactly seven months ago, I boarded a train and travelled on my own to Paris. Cold and scared was all I knew. But I knew I wanted to do this really badly. I am a big girl now. Walking along Seine River and watching the glow of the Eiffel Tower against the sunset of Paris, I knew it was all worth it.
Exactly six months ago, I saw a shooting star along the Rhine River. The stars in the sky were so pretty that I thought it looked like somebody had lavishly dotted them across the skies. Maybe it was that wine but I knew that there was nothing more perfect than this place at that moment. Basking in the afterglow of the stars and night, I made a wish under the blessings of the stars.
Exactly five months ago, I saw the red of autumn leaves and knew that fall had arrived. At night, I went for dinner at this little town called Rüdesheim. It looked like a storm was approaching. Yet all I felt was safe and secure.
Exactly four months ago, I rediscovered the beauty of the Rhine. I captured the orange of the setting sun and told myself that I will never break. I am so much more now. I swore that one day, I would return to this river again.
Exactly three months ago, I skidded and fell on an ice-skating rink in Geneva, Switzerland. Bruises all over my legs and the cold of the winter yet I was smiling. Christmas was near. I drank a hot chocolate and it warmed my stomach instantly against the blasting cold.
Kismet. It must be.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Tired.

These days, all I feel is tired, tired and tired from school. What with all my emotional downs, things have not been looking too good since the start of the new year. I cannot wait to get out of this crazy scene. Glad that I will soon be taking a break from this place. Give me time and I promise that I will be new and shiny once again.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sequel to Copenhagen!

I just found these pictures in my mailbox, sent to me by Elise and GT three months ago.

Those times in Copenhagen. The bleak and nipping rain. There I was, fresh out of my heartbreak. With the perennial hurt still there. Yet your presence did wonders.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My Wait.

It comes all in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I feel so alone that it really kills me inside. And it is all so out of the blue that I start to dream about you.
I still remember vividly the cold and bitter autumn morning during late November. I woke up screaming and yelling. Why am I starting to feel that way again?
I need to believe that good things come to those who wait, for I have nothing else to believe in anymore.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Missed.

When you told me that you missed me, you have no idea how happy that made me. It turned my bad day good again.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Berlin!

I heart Berlin! This has to be my favorite among all the cities that I have visited. I know I say that for like every single city I visit. But with the conclusion of my very own Eurotrip, I have to say that Berlin tops the list in being my perennial favorite. Reason one, I travelled to Berlin on my own. How many twenty-one years old have actually travelled to any part of the world on their own? Not to mention, being a girl and actually being able to read a map at the same time. Haha. Reason two, I came to Berlin and I saw what I had always wanted to see.

Berlin is really THE place to be in if you love history. And that happened to describe me.

After much hair-pulling in researching and mapping out my itinery in Berlin, I decided on the Judische Museum as my first stop.

This is how my name looks like in Hebrew. That actually looks a hell lot easier than how my name is written in Chinese.

The Holocaust Turm really sent chills down my spine. It was part of the Judische Museum built to remember those Jews who were exterminated in the Holocaust. The darkness and coldness of the room was a way of telling people how the Jews lived during this period. You could hear the rush of the traffic from inside and feel the blasting cold from the chilly winter air filling up the tower from the outside.

Nächster halt: Checkpoint Charlie. This was the major crossing between East and West Germany during the Cold War.

The Berlin Olympic Museum was built by Hitler for the 1936 Olympic Games. The Nazi-era architecture was really impressive.

The Podbielski Oak Tree. The leaves of the oak tree was used in the victor's wreath.

Jesse-Owens is supposed to be famous because she won four Olympic Gold medals in the 1936 Games. Coming from a girl whose country's greatest sports achievement is a silver Olympic medal in body-building that was won like forty years ago, yes, I consider that amazing.

Along the way to the Olympic Stadium, I saw all these yellow ribbons tied to plants. My heart just melted and went, "Awww... so sweet" when I thought that the Germans were advocates of the Yellow Ribbon Project that was supposed to give a second chance to ex-convicts.

But that was before I saw red ribbons tied to plants and a group of gardeners standing nearby. That was when I realised that, the ribbons were only just ribbons that served as codes for the gardeners. Very sweet.

I walked a total of four kilometres just to get to and from the Schloss Charlottenburg. Pretty but it was a pity that I was running out of time and did not have the chance to visit the interior.

This is the Brandenburger Tor, which is the symbol of Berlin and once the boundary between East and West Germany. The winged Goddess of Victory and the four-horse chariot is supposed to be famous.. because I see it on postcards everywhere. Haha. One useful tip I have picked up from my travellings is that when in doubt about what to visit, pick up the postcards!

The famous Reichstag. This is the German parliament house. The horrendous queue snaking outside of the Reichstag convinced me not to go inside despite it being the number one attraction in Berlin.

This stretch of wall is the remainings of the Berlin Wall parallel to the Topography of Terror, which was the former SS-Gestapo headquarters. Speaking of Berlin Wall, I can't believe I forgot about the long surviving stretch of the Berlin Wall that is at Warshauer Strasse. I can practically kill myself for that. Also, the Topography of Terror which recounted crimes of the Nazi was at the top of my to-go list but when I arrived at five in the evening, it was totally dark and being an open-air exhibition, I could see nothing. Sigh.

May the world never have to go through such horrors again.

Shopping in Berlin looked really fun. The reason why I said "looked" is because a mere two-days hardly suffice in doing Berlin any justice. There were sooooo much to do in Berlin that I really wished that I stayed there for a couple more days.

And they had Dunking Donuts! Not nearly as good as Krispy Kremes. But when those delicious glazed donuts are out of your reach, you pretty much have to settle for the humble counter parts. Elise thinks that I am exaggerating when I said, "When I first ate Krispy Kremes, I thought I died and went to Heaven." But hey, it is really THAT good. Krispy Kremes, oh Krispy Kremes, when will I ever lay my mouth on you again?



End of my Berlin entry. End of all my trips in Germany.

Hattenheim. Oestrich-Winkel. Rüdesheim. Frankfurt. Heidelberg. Hamburg. Munich. Berlin.

I wonder when I will ever see you again.